Paris Hilton Admits "It's All An Act!"

Earlier today, Billionaire heiress Paris Hilton released a statement to the press claiming that she could no longer “keep up the charade” of being an ignorant, self-centred, arrogant slut in possession of an IQ lower than most snowmen. Hilton, via her numerous solicitors and yes-men, informed the world today that she was a warm, intelligent and empathetic person who had recently completed a PhD in Astrophysics at Cambridge University. Hilton, who has appeared in a number of vanity television programmes along with her one-time friend Nikki Richie (daughter of severely-screwed-following-the-divorce singer Lionel Richie) and, recently, on numerous internet sites performing oral sex on a number of previous boyfriends, has blasted this commonly portrayed image of her as a brainless bimbo with less charm and sense of decency than a brick as a ‘Media invention to continue to propagate the myth that she was a fame-hungry whore whose only purpose in life is to embarrass humanity with her existence’.

Upon hearing this news, Rick Hilton (her father), is reported as saying “Like shite she wrote that.”

Area Man Welcomes Apocalypse

Burt Stannig (48) has astonished friends and relatives by announcing that he, for one, would welcome the “End of Days”, as foretold in the children’s classic ‘The Bible’. According to sources, this is an idea that he has been researching for some time and believes that, far from being a terrifying disaster, the annihilation of everything in the universe will offer previously unknown opportunities to those willing to exploit them.

“Look, I’m not saying that there wouldn’t be some collateral damage and, maybe, a few ‘unavoidable’ deaths come the apocalypse; but to the people willing to go that ‘extra mile’ following the destruction of existence there are amazing opportunities and rewards to be had! Seriously, the value of habitable real-estate will go through the roof, food production will be at a premium so those damn farmers can finally stop whining about not getting paid enough, and as long as you choose the winning side, personally I’m hedging my bets that Satan will get it right this time, you’ll get untold wealth and as many goats as you can sacrifice!”

Stannig also predicts that following the apocalypse lonely bachelors, such as himself, will no longer have trouble finding love in the rubble-strewn ruins of civilization. “What I’m saying is that what with the human race being decimated and all there’s going to be a need for all the men and women left on the planet to re-populate it as soon as possible. At the very least our new Dark Masters will need countless slaves to toil in their fiery pits, with a chosen few elevated to positions of more responsibility due to our service both before and after the world ends.”

Some sections of society will suffer under the new regime Stannig claims but, as he puts it, this will only be the “Bleeding heart liberals and that bitch at the supermarket. She knows who she is.”