Paris Hilton Admits "It's All An Act!"

Earlier today, Billionaire heiress Paris Hilton released a statement to the press claiming that she could no longer “keep up the charade” of being an ignorant, self-centred, arrogant slut in possession of an IQ lower than most snowmen. Hilton, via her numerous solicitors and yes-men, informed the world today that she was a warm, intelligent and empathetic person who had recently completed a PhD in Astrophysics at Cambridge University. Hilton, who has appeared in a number of vanity television programmes along with her one-time friend Nikki Richie (daughter of severely-screwed-following-the-divorce singer Lionel Richie) and, recently, on numerous internet sites performing oral sex on a number of previous boyfriends, has blasted this commonly portrayed image of her as a brainless bimbo with less charm and sense of decency than a brick as a ‘Media invention to continue to propagate the myth that she was a fame-hungry whore whose only purpose in life is to embarrass humanity with her existence’.

Upon hearing this news, Rick Hilton (her father), is reported as saying “Like shite she wrote that.”

Area Man Welcomes Apocalypse

Burt Stannig (48) has astonished friends and relatives by announcing that he, for one, would welcome the “End of Days”, as foretold in the children’s classic ‘The Bible’. According to sources, this is an idea that he has been researching for some time and believes that, far from being a terrifying disaster, the annihilation of everything in the universe will offer previously unknown opportunities to those willing to exploit them.

“Look, I’m not saying that there wouldn’t be some collateral damage and, maybe, a few ‘unavoidable’ deaths come the apocalypse; but to the people willing to go that ‘extra mile’ following the destruction of existence there are amazing opportunities and rewards to be had! Seriously, the value of habitable real-estate will go through the roof, food production will be at a premium so those damn farmers can finally stop whining about not getting paid enough, and as long as you choose the winning side, personally I’m hedging my bets that Satan will get it right this time, you’ll get untold wealth and as many goats as you can sacrifice!”

Stannig also predicts that following the apocalypse lonely bachelors, such as himself, will no longer have trouble finding love in the rubble-strewn ruins of civilization. “What I’m saying is that what with the human race being decimated and all there’s going to be a need for all the men and women left on the planet to re-populate it as soon as possible. At the very least our new Dark Masters will need countless slaves to toil in their fiery pits, with a chosen few elevated to positions of more responsibility due to our service both before and after the world ends.”

Some sections of society will suffer under the new regime Stannig claims but, as he puts it, this will only be the “Bleeding heart liberals and that bitch at the supermarket. She knows who she is.”

Satan speaks out about Church sex scandals

Criticism about the recent scandals that have rocked the Catholic church has come from an unlikely source... the Prince of Darkness himself, Satan.

In an exclusive short interview with Tend to Offend, Satan surprised us with his points of view.

TtO : Satan, we'd like to thank you for taking some time out from damning people's eternal souls and speaking to us today.

Satan : No problem, guys.

TtO : When you look at the world today... what's grinding your gears?

Satan : Where do I start? Between compensation culture, fashion, Victoria fucking Beckham, the decline of rock music, the Double Whopper and the Americanisation of the UK... what am I needed for any more? In the old days I could work my mojo and steer a likely candidate straight to hell. Sometimes I could ruin an innocent fool.

TtO : And today?

Satan : Nobody wants the consequences any more. My PR team are already fielding calls from the Hilton's, the Bush's and that cunt O.J. They've all asked for favours but no one wants to visit the sea of fire. They're going to get a shock one day.

TtO : I look forward to it. Do you have any views on the current organised religions?

Satan : When God's little soldiers from any faith , or whatever the fuck those scientologist loons believe in, are making me look good then you know something is rotten in Denmark. I mean, look at the Catholic church, a priest has an "indescretion" with a young altar boy and he's reassigned. A McDonalds employee is late three times and he's fired... and people probably blame me.

TtO : You do have a bad reputation.

Satan : And I wish it was deserved at the moment. I'm supposed to ruin the world but you're all doing a fine job without me. I'm going to have to take some drastic steps.

TtO : Could you elaborate?

Satan : It's going to be a surprise. It'll be twice as devastating as September 11th but not as funny.

TtO : Well thanks Satan, you've given us a lot to think about. Any final words for your fans?

Satan : Yeah... keep it real homies!!! Ha, but seriously... fuck 'em if they can't take a joke.

Share Christmas with a homeless person

At this time of year, it's important to remember those less fortunate than ourselves. People that, through no fault of their own, have become homeless and will feel alone, cold, hungry and wet.

We, here at Tend to Offend, encourage everyone to make an effort this Christmas to seek out a homeless person and share the magic of Christmas with them.

Tell them about your large detatched house and all of its external decorations and lights. Identify with them about how cold and wet you got putting the tasteful icicle lights under every window and how you had to spend a hour in front of your roaring log fire to get warm.

Share the anecdote about your wife working in the kitchen for 6 hours on Christmas day so your family and relatives from all around the country (including two who are clinically obese) could have a fabulous feast. And don't forget to mention the wastage of those ungrateful people who left enough food to fill two bins.

Talk about your children opening their presents on Christmas morning and how there was a tantrum when your son realised you'd bought him an xBox 360 instead of a Playstation 3. Luckily the four selection boxes that he ate before dinner placated him.

But most of all, tell them how lucky you feel to be surrounded by your family at this time of year.

As you leave, throw some small change to them. They will no doubt be crying at this point, overwhelmed by your time and generosity. Now they can get a cup of tea or some cheap drugs.

[Our solicitors have asked us to state that you should not bring a homeless person to your house, as they are likely to smell and steal things]

Saddam is 'Getting off too lightly'

After the recent judgement of Mel Gibson look-alike Saddam Hussein, calls have come for a much tougher sentence.

"Saddam was responsible for uncountable atrocities, his death is simply not good enough", said one critic.

A United Nations official commented that although it was still early, consideration was being given to putting Saddam's name on a 'Dictator Register' before the execution.

Hussein will also have to visit neighbouring countries to tell governments that he has been convicted as an evil, murdering sociopath.

Saddam was unavailable for comment.

Chloe Sevigny to have sex with corpse in new movie

Silver screen cocksucker Chloe Sevigny is attached to a movie in which she will play a necrophiliac care worker.

In order to maintain realism she will, for the first time in cinema history, have full penetrative sex with an actual corpse.

The Brown Bunny actress defended her new role, "People have preconceptions about necrophilia and I want to show that people who fuck corpses have emotional needs too."

She has spent the last couple of weeks researching the role, "I've been cruising the local cemetaries trying to get a feel for the lifestyle but there hasn't been too much action".

But she flatly denies current rumours that she is involved with River Phoenix.

Sevigny also stated, "I find it important to take varied roles in films, otherwise I'd just be remembered as the girl who took a load in her mouth".

Top US colleges offering new incentives to attract privileged students

Leading US colleges are to offer fresh new incentives to attract top athletic students and children of the rich and powerful.

In addition to the now standard cars, Rolex watches and easily pressured students to complete assignments. Free legal aid will also be given to potential date rapists so they will not be stressed going into a big game or important social function.

A college spokesman stated, "It's a matter of some importance that our higher class students are taken care of whether it's an alibi, an innocent student to take the fall or the complete discrediting of a female victim. We shall ensure that no harm comes to important family names".

A student body spokesman spoke out against the new incentives but we later received circumstantial evidence that she had a history of promiscuity, substance abuse and falsifying statements.

Shares in Rohypnol have improved by $1.57.