Top US colleges offering new incentives to attract privileged students

Leading US colleges are to offer fresh new incentives to attract top athletic students and children of the rich and powerful.

In addition to the now standard cars, Rolex watches and easily pressured students to complete assignments. Free legal aid will also be given to potential date rapists so they will not be stressed going into a big game or important social function.

A college spokesman stated, "It's a matter of some importance that our higher class students are taken care of whether it's an alibi, an innocent student to take the fall or the complete discrediting of a female victim. We shall ensure that no harm comes to important family names".

A student body spokesman spoke out against the new incentives but we later received circumstantial evidence that she had a history of promiscuity, substance abuse and falsifying statements.

Shares in Rohypnol have improved by $1.57.