Satan speaks out about Church sex scandals

Criticism about the recent scandals that have rocked the Catholic church has come from an unlikely source... the Prince of Darkness himself, Satan.

In an exclusive short interview with Tend to Offend, Satan surprised us with his points of view.

TtO : Satan, we'd like to thank you for taking some time out from damning people's eternal souls and speaking to us today.

Satan : No problem, guys.

TtO : When you look at the world today... what's grinding your gears?

Satan : Where do I start? Between compensation culture, fashion, Victoria fucking Beckham, the decline of rock music, the Double Whopper and the Americanisation of the UK... what am I needed for any more? In the old days I could work my mojo and steer a likely candidate straight to hell. Sometimes I could ruin an innocent fool.

TtO : And today?

Satan : Nobody wants the consequences any more. My PR team are already fielding calls from the Hilton's, the Bush's and that cunt O.J. They've all asked for favours but no one wants to visit the sea of fire. They're going to get a shock one day.

TtO : I look forward to it. Do you have any views on the current organised religions?

Satan : When God's little soldiers from any faith , or whatever the fuck those scientologist loons believe in, are making me look good then you know something is rotten in Denmark. I mean, look at the Catholic church, a priest has an "indescretion" with a young altar boy and he's reassigned. A McDonalds employee is late three times and he's fired... and people probably blame me.

TtO : You do have a bad reputation.

Satan : And I wish it was deserved at the moment. I'm supposed to ruin the world but you're all doing a fine job without me. I'm going to have to take some drastic steps.

TtO : Could you elaborate?

Satan : It's going to be a surprise. It'll be twice as devastating as September 11th but not as funny.

TtO : Well thanks Satan, you've given us a lot to think about. Any final words for your fans?

Satan : Yeah... keep it real homies!!! Ha, but seriously... fuck 'em if they can't take a joke.